-l o o k c l o s e r-

now i'm falling asleep to forget you

2009-09-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

If I think that everyone else out there sucks... maybe that just means I suck. Maybe that means I'm worthless. Maybe it means that I will always care more about people than they care about me. Maybe this means I can't do anything right, ever. It really sucks being me. Everyone sees me as a funny person to be like, wow does she really exist? I'm almost like a dream to some people, or a character. Not a real person. The reason why I hurt is the same reason why you all laugh at me. It's never going to end, is it? It's sad... the only way I can stand out is by making myself into a giant joke. Fuck this.

story of my life

2009-09-09T08:24:00.001-07:00

This story is very simple, and involves three characters: a young girl, her best friend, and the love of her life. As you may have already guessed, the girl is our little hero; she's the innocent soul we all remember being at some point in our lives. This is the story of what really fucked her up.

The girl and her best friend were closer than any other friends could be. They shared every secret wish, every insecurity, and every spoken breath was later recounted in extreme detail for the other to relive. Sleepless nights were spent on the phone talking until the next days began and the following days at school, they were, as usual, inseparable. Both girls supported the other in the search for true love. The girl never had a boyfriend, never had a love, never had any boy fall for her as hard as she fell for him. Her best friend had several boyfriends, a different one each month, and shared her frustrations with the girl. For years they lived this way, attached to the hip and completing each other's sentences--the girl trying to find love, and her friend trying to fight it away.

One day, the girl met the love of her life. Even eight years after that moment, the girl can remember exactly how it happened. He walked into the classroom cracking easy jokes that made the girl giggle from across the room and casually running her over with his moss green eyes. She was immediately drawn to him, moments like that made the idea of "love at first sight" possible. A chill ran through her veins every time their eyes met, even from across the room. Of course, she bored her best friend with hours of excited wishes, seemingly the same unrequited feelings for a boy that she's felt for years with previous boys. The best friend sadly listened, knowing that she was always the one who got the boys and the girl was the one who never could. She prepared to comfort the girl when the boy broke her heart, but alas, this didn't happen as soon as she expected. In fact, at the time, she didn't realize that she would break the girl's heart more than any boy ever could.

The girl and the boy began to talk. A little bit at a first, and by the end, for hours. They were as close as the girl was with her best friend. She loved this boy more than she thought possible. Every word he offered her was remembered and she loved him more every day. At night, she dreamt of nothing except being in his arms. During the day, her mind wandered off into daydreams of him. Little moments between them replayed over and over in her mind. And then she moved 3000 miles away.

She decided, from across the country, that he was still the one for her. She loved him so much and she refused to give up. She also knew that her best friend and her's friendship was stronger than the distance. She lost sleep every night, staying up until 2am in their time zone just talking with them, resting her head on her pillow at 5am in her time zone, only to rise at 6am. She repeated this routine every night until she was delirious from lack of sleep. And she still continued on, his eyes in her mind the entire time. They would send emails, pages of them, and spend days online playing with words and being apart from each other became unbearable. Her parents began to see the shadows under her eyes from lack of sleep. Her best friend, from across the country, told her to give it up and just let go. But she couldn't. She missed her best friend, and she missed the boy. She would do anything just to talk to them for ten minutes. Her parents put a password on the computer. She hacked into the computer. Did this a couple times, and then got caught. Her parents put a lock on the door of the computer room. She climbed on the roof and entered the room through the window. Did this a couple of times, then got caught. Her parents put a lock on the door and on the window, put a password on the computer, and made the dial-up internet sound extra loud when connecting in that room. She climbed on the roof, picked the lock on the window, and removed the keyboard, moniter, mouse, and hard drive one by one and set the computer up in her room. She did this every night for a couple of months, even though he sometimes wouldn't come online and neither would her friend. And then she got caught. She never realized love would yield so much pain and desire.

When desire is that strong, it is physically painful. She loved him so much. And her friend knew it. Her best friend was there to listen to her cry about how much she missed her home. Her best friend knew how much she loved the boy. Hours and hours were shared together on the phone, talking. She would occasionally fly to her home, 3,000 miles away, and spend time talking with her friend or being with her boy. The boy and her eventually gave themselves to each other completely. They were both each other's firsts, and firsts for everything. The girl knew, even then, that it was impossible for her to love another man as much as she loved him. In fact, she knew then that it was impossible for many people to love anyone as much as she loved him. She continued to fly back and forth, seeing him and seeing her friend.

Until one day when her mother told her she could never go back home to see them. For months, the girl cried herself to sleep. She missed the two people she loved the most in the world, for a year. She was still with her boy, he still reassured her they could make it through it. They still had a future together, even though they couldn't see each other. She shared this pain with her best friend. Her best friend empathized with her. She grew closer with the boy in her absense. By the time the girl and the boy gave up, her friend was already trying to get with the boy. After they broke up, her friend was still there, seeing the boy every day. She began to see what the girl saw in the boy, and she began to want what the girl had worked so hard to have with the boy. One day, she got it.

Eight years later, I still think of that. When I see you, I see you like that. I see what you tried to take from me, and what, for some reason or another, you still want. I loved you. I loved you so much, and you betrayed me in a way that I never thought possible. There are good people in this world, and bad people. I used to think everyone was good, and the bad ones were just misunderstood. Now I know better. Now I don't have close girl friends; you were my last. I'm the girl that says "I don't get along well with other girls," I'm the girl that says, "True love is just a fairy tale" and I'm the girl that doesn't know how to feel anymore... because it hurts too much.

i kind of like that no one reads this

2009-07-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hey you!
Thanks for giving me someone else on my list to miss. Thanks for giving me something else to know I lost. You say I did it to myself, but that's just how you reassure yourself. The only thing I did wrong was follow my heart. I would never do anything like that to myself. Friendships require sacrifice, understanding, honesty, and... well what the hell does it matter anyway? I was never a friend to you, I was a goal. You've misassigned qualities to me that never existed. You idealized me into something unrecognizable. You were surprised when you discovered that you didn't really know me, maybe because you weren't trying to.

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see.'

MY myself, and your idea of what my "myself" is, are two totally different things.

2009-07-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

You're stupid if you think she helps you feel. Nothing you think you know of her is real. Everything about you bores her; she needs someone who adores her.

am i crazy??

2009-07-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I've always thought that everyone is a little bit crazy, but maybe that's just because I know I am. It's funny, I've fought so goddamn hard for my whole life to not be considered "crazy" and when I say that I am now, it's not because I'm proud of it, it's because I've given up on being anything but crazy. Then there are the people who go out of their way to try to act crazy, but they aren't. Those people just do deliberate, malicious things for their own self-gratification, and then try to use "I'm crazy" as an excuse. They try to act like they're so damaged so they have to act a certain way. Honestly, you want to see crazy? Step into my mind for a day, I dare you. If you knew the things that went through my head on a constant basis it would blow your mind. The only reason why this hasn't struck you yet is because you all can only judge what's on the outside... and did it ever occur to you can't read me as well as you all thought you could? It surprises people when we play card games like Bullshit, because I always win. If you act like you wear your emotions on your sleeve, people will severely underestimate you, always. If you act like you can't lie or get away with anything, people won't realize that you are a better liar than anyone and have always been this way. If you act simple and confused, people won't realize you are complex and extremely manipulative. And the private me is really no one's business, I don't think it's necessary for me to inflict that person onto others. I could be the "real me" and be "real" all the time, but the real me wouldn't make any friends or have any fun. The real me would just collect people and use them until I'm tired of them and then throw them away without looking back. Then there is that part of me that just wants to make people happy. Not because I want people's lives to get better, but because I want to make people's lives better. I want to die sometimes. I can't figure out why I ended up like this. I can't figure out why I feel so isolated from literally everyone else in the world besides my brother. I can't figure out how my life has turned to this. Then, I think back on my life and realize it's always been like this. But what is "this"?? What the fuck?

blah blah blah blah BLAH, this fucked up world

2009-07-05T10:44:00.001-07:00

You know what kind of person annoys me the most?? The victim. You aren't in control of any of the bad shit that happens to you, so why do you think you can use them as excuses? Everyone has had fucked up shit happen to them. That's the beauty of life, everyone who's been all fucked up coming together and making the most of the good times, cause we all know they don't last. The only thing you're in control of is how you affect others. If you are negatively affecting the quality of life of someone, or hurting someone, you don't deserve to bitch. I don't deserve to bitch about my life, and while I may do so privately, I don't inflict it onto others. Sometimes I think about some of the people I've hurt most, and I write little blurbs to them. Apologies for them if this was the perfect world where they would be able to look past themselves and actually care.

To everyone I've hurt in the past or are hurting right now, I'm so sorry. I loved you all... but I just love myself more.

from oct 2003

2009-07-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a dark room
Listening to my family forget me
Forget what I could be
They breathe as if I was never there
The young boy
I think he was my brother
Sighs in unison with the woman
She must have been my mother
Deprived from life
A man lies on the floor
He used to be my dad
I guess love is no more
And impossible hand reaches for my throat
Tightens the grip while I gasp in pain
Rips out my heart and slaps my face
While I twist and cry in vain.
I stare at these beautiful creatures
That I was brought up to love
The ones who taught me the emotion
Can forget me with the flip of a light switch
Makes me forget by whom I'm made of
I watch their love that I hate
I love what my life never was
And as I will my body to stop breathing
It only wants to breathe more
Standing up, I leave the room so that
I can cry without waking their blissful sleep
Only behind the closed doors
I made just to weep.

2009-06-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever been as excited for a movie as I am for Tim Burton's Alice and Wonderland. It's taking forever to come out!!

just be

2009-06-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

And stop thinking about what you are. Stop trying to live up to being what you've always been. If that's who you truly are, it will come out even when you don't think about it. I'm so tired of people being like, well I'm crazy so I need to act crazy. Or, well I'm a bitch so I need to be a bitch. It's amazing how many people actually go through this thought process when making decisions. Instead of reacting instinctively, they sit there for a split second and think about how to react in order to be true to themselves.

Or maybe I have it all wrong and I should be thinking like that. Maybe that's why I don't make sense at all sometimes. Maybe that's why I'm so inconsistent with my reactions.

~~~~~~~*~

2009-06-06T12:56:00.001-07:00

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that it has turned out to be so worth not having you in my life. I'm so happy, and I know you are as well.

funny

2009-05-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

isn't it funny how you never really give a shit about what a person has to say until they have nothing to say?

when does this end??

2009-05-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

what is wrong with you, michelle? why are you so sad? i love you more than you may ever know... please be happy. please find a reason to smile and stop being so goddamn afraid. please take good care of yourself. please don't ever feel alone because you've got me. i know you're wondering if you are just the result of two wrong people who never knew love... wondering if there is nothing right about you because you should never have been. i know you think you're so fucked up inside... i know you want to let it out. if leaving makes you happy, leave. be free, be at peace with yourself, and find that long forgotten road you somehow turned off somewhere down the line. cry. let it all out. breathe, cry, let it leave your body. you feel as if you are plagued with a heavy sickness, a cast iron blanket envelopes the heart you drag on a chain six miles behind you. what's wrong with you? you left your heart behind, no just because it's connected to you doesn't mean it's still a part of you. go get it and fix your fucking life. there is no logical excuse for your behavior. you had it all before and one by one you threw everything away. yes, that's exactly what happened. stop being stupid. please. you know, deep down, what you are doing to yourself. you're scared, i know, but you're in a scary place. you know how strong you are so stop second guessing yourself.

you can stop this, so just... stop. start loving shit again.

2009-05-13T09:39:00.001-07:00

I really did fucking adore you. But sadly enough, I've adored several people who aren't in my life anymore. ... and Why? It does take a surprisingly small amount of time for me to get over things like this. But it really does get me thinking, is this the way life is... you care about people one week and the next week you don't even talk to them? Or is this just the way my life is? Am I doing something wrong?

Oh PS: none of my blog posts have ever been about you except for these last 2. I know you were asking me about that a couple months ago and I just avoided your question, but now I'm answering it. No it wasn't about you, it never was.

should have known better than to cheat a friend

2009-05-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

Who do I love?? My thoughts have been so unorganized lately, I believe it's time to blog and let it all (well most of it) out. I think a good spill-all is necessary.

Basically two parts of me are battling right now. Good vs. evil, that classic war, is going on inside my head. Here's the deal... I know that, given our past, dating him wasn't a good idea. I didn't think anything would come from it. Even at the beginning, I didn't think that I would even end up telling you, because I didn't think it would be a big enough deal to tell you. I knew you'd be pissed, I knew he was your good friend. I knew what you thought of him with women. I didn't care. In your situation, ignorance is bliss... that's why I lied to you so much. I know that isn't the kosher way to justify deception, but it's the truth, for once. Here's the truth. I don't know why I loved you so much, to be honest. You were a great friend, but I have a lot of great friends. I think I loved you so much because you adored me. I do that sometimes. Ugh. I'm so unorganized right now! I'll finish this later when I make more sense yo.

Yooooooo

2009-04-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

I keep deleting blog entries it's weird. Life is so much more complicated than I thought it would be.

my dreams

2009-04-03T16:26:00.000-07:00

my dreams always start from where the last one left off.

i dream i had never left.

i dream of what my life could have been.

i dream of a love that was lost before it all made sense.

i've graduated from a high school that i left when i was 15.

i've spent nights on the beach around a bonfire
drinking beer and smoking with people i still think about every day,
even 3,000 miles away and 6 years after they've forgotten me.

i've walked to my college classes in the rain,
taking in the scents of wet juniper and evergreen.

i've graduated college with the same people.

in my dreams, it all makes sense.
i ask myself how to find a similarly harmonious path in this life.

there's no answer, except to close my eyes and go back home.

Question...

2009-03-06T17:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it that we always want the guy who doesn't treat us the way we deserve to be treated?

Why do we always reject the "perfect relationship" in favor of a more unstable, tumultuous one?

How come whenever we like a guy, and then he starts to enthusiastically like us back, we are turned off? Yet, if we like a guy and he half-heartedly likes us back, we fall harder for him...

That's why relationships are such a waste of time. It's all a stupid game, until everyone gets so burnt out that they marry the one who's completely wrong for them.

Oops

2009-02-27T14:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry I'm really bad at updating this sometimes!! I don't really have anything to say, other than... this economy had better improve quickly, because I am not used to (nor do I enjoy) searching for jobs in the city of Atlanta. I've been unemployed for over a month, and I've actively been searching for jobs this whole time. Serving jobs, by the way. Wasn't it supposed to be easy to get a job waiting tables? It just goes to show how hard times are.

Job 1:
This place in Buckhead posted an ad up on craigslist on Wednesday. I came in first thing Thursday, and was told that they had already hired 5 servers, because the day before "at least 50 people came in."

Job 2:
Another place in Buckhead that made me visit there 3 times (each time I was there I sat there with at least 20 applicants) before they told me that I wasn't hired because "too many people came and applied earlier than me, and they didn't have nearly enough slots."

It's so crazy!! Advice to you all: KEEP YOUR JOBS!

Man...

2009-01-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

It's so strange when your whole "life," so to speak, is turned upside down because of one SIMPLE, stupid, easily avoidable mistake. Why, after checking my book 4 times, literally, and even waking up ON MY OWN at 8am that morning... did I not just check, one more time, to make sure I was off? Why did I have to carelessly overlook something so simple? What are the odds that I made the same, stupid, careless mistake 4 times in a row when checking that goddamn schedule?

I know, I know. It's just a job. But my "replacement job" totally sucks. And now I think I'm going to have to go out and look for a replacement "replacement job." Fuck this shit.

Here's to Chaos Theory. I'm going to try to find peace in the knowledge that this was probably meant to happen since I could have avoided this in so many ways... but didn't. This means that there IS something else I'm supposed to be doing now. At least, I certainly hope so... cause I'm so unhappy right now.

The Tool Academy

2009-01-12T00:54:00.000-08:00

This show is HILARIOUS!! Okay, so I'll let you in on a little secret... VH1 Reality TV is a major guilty pleasure of mine. I know it's just trash TV, and I know that the contestants on the shows are always lame and ridiculous... but the funny thing about this show is that the whole theme of it is centered on how lame and ridiculous these contestants are. It's one of the funnier things I've seen on TV in a lonnng time... because at first you're wondering, where the hell did they find these guys?? Then, as the show progresses, you realize that they found these guys at YOUR job, at YOUR schools, and at the same clubs you might go to. Everyone knows tools like these guys... ahhh haha, so funny. Do I think these guys will actually change? No. Is it fun to watch? YES!

I think I've found the worst tattoo in the world

2009-01-07T11:56:00.001-08:00

Seriously??

hahaha

2009-01-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

Soooo funny!!! Anyways, New Years was yesterday... I suppose your typical New Years post is required.

2008 was the year of my epiphany. In 2008, I realized that the concept of "living in the moment" was one that I misunderstood. Prior to this realization, I believed that it was important to have as many good times as possible, while avoiding the bad. I smoked weed every day, I spent all my money on it. When I wasn't get high (which was 80% of the time), I was either sleeping (15%) or getting drunk (5%). When Junyi visited, she said something to me that was extremely compelling... "Michelle, you are partying without having anything worth celebrating." It took me awhile to fully digest exactly what she meant when she said this. Basically, I had become too accustomed to partying, and being unhappy when I wasn't, that partying was the high point of my day... every day. When you do something fun over and over again, you become numb to the enjoyment of it. I guess I went from high school, where I was under constant control from my co-dependent mother and literally having no fun at all... to college, where I was free and I went a little crazy. There is a balance that I needed to learn! Anyways, in 2009, I hope to further carry this mentality towards success. There is no reason to feel lost or helpless. Things are gonna change, I can feel it =)

BLEH!!!

2008-12-28T00:28:00.000-08:00

If I were my mom and her boyfriend, I would NOT put pictures of both of them FUCKING in the same laptop that my daughter and son occasionally used, in case they accidentally encountered such pictures. The BLEH of this title is intended to mimic my nauseous reaction to that certain situation, which has left me traumatized. I originally was planning on keeping this information to myself, but have since discovered that I am way too disturbed to internalize it. Seriously, imagine a slew of images assaulting you instantaneously with pictures of your mom and her boyfriend engaging in multiple sessions of raunchy sex. Seriously. Since my mistake was innocently double-clicking iPhoto, I saw at least ten pictures at once... and now iAmDisgusted.

this has always been my favorite collection of words

2008-12-24T11:17:00.000-08:00

The courtyard where the garden stands,
Beyond the beach, the crystal sands
We shed our clothes and felt romantic
Tempted by the moon fantastic
Bright and warm and ours alone
Absolve of us the sins we own

I don't think it really means anything specific, but it just sounds nice.

when does this end? when does it all begin?

2008-12-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

This is what the world looks like on shrooms. Quite lovely, if you ask me. Remind me to eat shit in the Spring. Today was a typical day for me--I woke up at 2pm, went shopping, and then went to work and dealt with the usual bullshit. People yelling and grown men being little bitches... yeah, I'm over it. It's just fucking STEAK, you're just in charge of someone's dinner for the day, I'm SORRY your "career" amounts to little more than something that ends up coming out of someone's ass at the end of the day, but don't take out your frusterations on me.

Anyways, I've been wondering for the past couple of days who I truly am. What is that one thing I excell at that will end up paving my path in life? I'd be lying if I said this issue was something in the back of my mind--I stress over this every hour of every day! I'm starting to grow frantic! Why do some people, like Junyi, know exactly what they want to do as soon as they enter college? Why is it taking me this long to figure it out? And why does it not reassure me when people who are 30 tell me that they can relate to how I feel because they still feel that way? I don't want to be 30 and lacking a purpose. I don't even want to be 25 and be feeling this lost. I remember when I took AP Psych in junior year, my teacher totally sucked. But the only thing that really stuck with me all these years was one of the first things I learned in that class. When you hear the quote, "Absense makes the heart grow fonder," you instantly agree. Being away from someone you love makes you appreciate them that much more when you see them. But then when you hear the quote, "Out of sight, out of mind," you also agree because you remember people you've loved who have moved away, and you subsequently forget about them. I suppose the same theory can be applied to the following two quotes, both of which I agree with, depending on my mood. The first: "If your job is doing something you love, then you'll never work a day in your life." The second: "Turning a hobby into your work does just that." Meaning, you'll end up hating something you used to love if it ends up being something that pays the bills. I'm struggling between whether or not I should pursue the things I love, or pursue the things I excell at. I've always had a burning, overwhelming desire to be extremely successful in life. Not in a monetary way either. Successful in terms of accomplishing my goals, and emerging at the top of my game.

It sounds vain, but I've always wanted people to know me for being the best at something, even if they don't know me personally. The feeling of walking into a room and everyone knowing who you are and what you can do is intoxicating. I had that feeling only once in my life, back when I was a competitive swimmer. I swam for 12 years among some of the top athletes, now Olympic gold-medalists (I refuse to "name drop") in the world. After about 6 years, when I started to consistently win and place in either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd in large competitions, I realized that I had become that swimmer that, a couple of years prior, I used to look at with admiration whenever she walked on deck. I would go to the bathroom and overhear my name being spoken by swimmers hoping to beat me that day. I would walk into the building with the rest of my team, which was at the time #3 in the nation, and everyone would stare in reverence. I know how this all sounds. It sounds so conceited, but I'm really not that way. I just remember how it felt to be in a position upon which others set their goals. I was in no way a celebrity (it was swimming in middle and high school for god's sake), but that overwhelming feeling of respect I received from others simple for my accomplishments is what I want back. Is that something to be ashamed of?

PS: I like this tat.

****

2008-12-17T17:24:00.001-08:00

Dreams leak into reality

short story

2008-12-17T00:52:00.000-08:00

After a nice evening with Scott at Longhorns (pear margarita... OMG) and a movie, we were driving home discussing how much the movie sucked. Now that I've established a setting, I'll begin the story. A black Lincoln SUV pulls next to us in the left turn lane, and behind the wheel is a skinny blonde milf. Maybe 30 years old or so, really gorgeous (before the following "incident" occured, Scott was already checking her out). I'll get to the point-- this bitch straight up takes her SHIRT off, exposing a completely naked upper half of her body to basically only Scott and I (I'm in the passenger seat, closest to her car, extremely uncomfortable)... Scotty's flipping out like, "Oh my God she's totally naked, are you seeing this??" And she puts a different shirt on right in front of us. Then she drives into St. Ives Country Club and Scott and I are stunned into silence. After a couple dumbfounded seconds, Scott and I immediately come up with her "story." She was a hot St. Ives trophy wife, who also happened to be an exhibitionist, coming home from cheating on her husband at a bar. Right before she turns into her neighborhood, she realizes she forgot to take her slutty "bar date" top off and put her more conservative "mom" turtleneck on. What's funny is, I honestly don't think our assumptions were that far from the truth...

======
Dear X: Why do you do this to me?? As soon as I'm finally over you, you charm me once again. I always fall for it. When I've finally made up my mind (forget about him, he's your past and never your future) you change it. Now I'm going to, once again, fall asleep thinking about you and what could have been, what might have been, what never will be, what could be, what should be, what shouldn't happen, and what I want to have happen. I usually come off as ditsy and simple-minded on the outside, but that's just because in person I'm incapable of expressing everything that goes on in my mind. I feel as though, analytically, I'm an intelligent person, so why do you always fool me again and again that you care about any aspect of me? Ahhh!!! You always derail me. I fucking miss you.

i love gin!

2008-12-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

Is it weird that I find it extremely condescending when guys think I'll like them if they call me "sweetie" or "honey" or talk to me like I'm a 5-year old? It's extremely annoying, and probably the biggest turn-off ever. If you automatically assume I'm some helpless, innocent Virgin Mary that you need to rescue, I'm automatically disregarding you and your efforts. I don't care if you are Gerard Butler--it's not cool! It literally makes me want to throw up. "Hey sweetie, how are you? I am here for you I think you are beautiful on the inside and out unlike all the other awful guys out there who only see the outside." STFU!!!! What are you TALKING about?? Now I know I'm not some hardcore bitch who will kick someone's ass, but I am definitely not "helpless." Sometimes I think guys often act like that towards me because I'm half Japanese. And Japanese women usually have the stereotype of meek and passive. Ugh it just really pisses me off. People are so stupid! By the way, I've discovered that I am a fan of gin & tonic! Mmm yummmy

mood: annoyed!!!!

2008-12-11T11:43:00.001-08:00

Okay, seriously... I just want to get my car re-registered in Georgia so that my tags are up to date. If I get pulled over today on my way to work because my tags expired in October, my monologue will go as follows:

I'm sorry officer but I have been attempting to get my tags updated for weeks now and something always has to come up. First, I had to get a tattoo so that set me back $400. Then I had to go to the Derby and get drunk and play Bingo, and since I didn't win that set me back $20. Then I made $4 CLOSING at work on a Sunday night, which set me back $80 dollars. When I finally had enough money to pay for my registration, weeks later, I got stuck in traffic and couldn't make it to the emissions testing center before it closed. This is after I had to disconnect my battery for 15 minutes just to turn the "check engine" light off in my car. Got stuck working the next day, all day. Couldn't get my emissions done. After again disconnecting my battery for 15 more minutes today, I was finally able to get to the emissions center, and even managed to pull into the testing area. They even hooked me up and everything so that I could get tested, hopefully pass, and then hopefully go to the registration office in Alpharetta directly afterward. Of course, things in my life can't be that simple and the "OCD DLC" or a similar abbreviation was unable to connect to my car. So now I have to go to the mechanic, to get that fixed. Then I have to turn my battery off for 15 more minutes to get my "check engine light" turned back off once more. Then I have to go back to the emissions testing center to get a test that I will hopefully pass. And I have to do all this as soon as possible, even though I have work AND two holiday parties to attend to this weekend, and limited funds.

I am so stressed out about this stupid issue. Okay, obviously the first part was my fault. It just pisses me off how, once I'm ready to be responsible and productive, I'm unable to do so.

I get overwhelmed really easily, so I need to just grit my teeth and be a big girl and fix my problem. I really want to just run away and move to London and live in a cute little flat and have Christmas spirit and drink tea constantly and watch the rain paint my windows. Too bad British people think Americans are lame. Then again, for the most part, I agree with them. I think my opinions of the US have definitely risen drastically since Nov. 4th, though. I do love my country, just a lot of the people... not so much. Man, how did I go from talking about my car's registration to touching onto politics (something I try to avoid)??

love vs. hate

2008-12-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

Things I love:
-art-photography-silence-people who think for themselves-open minds-the pacific northwest-the sky-films-trashy reality tv-reading-tattoos-camping-colored sharpies-platinum-europe-laughing-napping-dreaming-gardens-tea-biscoff cookies-traveling-discovering

Things I hate:
-closed minds-lack of originality-the word "swag"-georgia-busybodies-most candy-stupidity-cheap candles-drunks-crappy christmas music-writers block

Repetition

2008-12-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

I'm so exhausted, stressed out, and depressed today as usual. The culprit is always the same whenever I feel like this--my job. I hate waiting tables more than anything else in the world. Granted, I work in a relatively upscale establishment and the clientel are usually professional and socially acceptable people, however, working in customer service will cause you to notice all the negatives about these regular people. It's hard to work at a place that makes me hate people that I would normally, most likely, enjoy. I'll be honest--waiting tables has murdered my optimism. The same repetitive routine day in and day out. Oh, you want to sit and talk with your friend for 20 minutes at my table after you're done eating? I hate you. You want to split a salad for your meal? I hate you. You tip me $10 on $100 because you don't know any better? I hate you. It doesn't matter that you're funny, doesn't matter that you're attractive, it doesn't matter that you're interesting to talk to--if you do something that makes making a living more difficult than it already is, I hate you.

The thing I hate most about serving is this very fact. Almost every waiter/waitress turns into an identical miserable soul. Outside of work, I LOVE people. Even at work, sometimes when I'm in an especially good mood I'm able to push the money aspect out of my mind, and generally enjoy the company of my customers. But for the most part, the negative attitudes of the managers, the negative attitudes of the kitchen staff, and the negative attitudes of my coworkers rub off on me, and that my friends, I hate most of all.

I've tried to tell myself that at work I need to suck it up and be happy. Many times actually, for the past 2 years. It clearly doesn't work, and even though the money in serving isn't bad... I'm not sure I can trade my soul for it much longer.

When I really sit down and think about my life, and the fact that currently I'm waiting tables instead of going back to school, I really start to hate my life and what it's become. I'm driven into a state of despair, desperately trying to think of ways out. My biggest issue is that I don't know what I want to do, I only know what I want to BE. I want to be well-regarded in my craft, which requires me to discover that "craft" which I would excel at more than others. I want to be around intelligent, open-minded people who inspire me to lift my life up to new levels. I want to be sophisticated, cultured, well-traveled, and always entertained. I want to be doing what I love. The problem is, I love too many things: reading, writing, making people smile, making people think, and manipulating situations in my favor. I want to be great, I don't just want to settle. I've settled my whole life, and now that I finally have the drive to put forth a real effort into achieving my goals... I can't seem to find the path to take.

This month's Top 5

2008-12-06T23:12:00.001-08:00

My-top-5-celebrities-I-want-to-marry list:

ROBERT PATTINSON...I know I'm a little too old to obsess over "Twilight," but I'm more obsessed with the gorgeous star of Twilight. 30 minutes with this guy would literally be the highlight of my life.
Hayden Christensen.
Jesse Lacey
Emile Hirsch
Christian Bale

I guess this as a first post makes me seem kind of creepy... ha... well I have been looking for a place to keep track of all the randomness in my head.