am i crazy??

Seriously. I've always thought that everyone is a little bit crazy, but maybe that's just because I know I am. It's funny, I've fought so goddamn hard for my whole life to not be considered "crazy" and when I say that I am now, it's not because I'm proud of it, it's because I've given up on being anything but crazy. Then there are the people who go out of their way to try to act crazy, but they aren't. Those people just do deliberate, malicious things for their own self-gratification, and then try to use "I'm crazy" as an excuse. They try to act like they're so damaged so they have to act a certain way. Honestly, you want to see crazy? Step into my mind for a day, I dare you. If you knew the things that went through my head on a constant basis it would blow your mind. The only reason why this hasn't struck you yet is because you all can only judge what's on the outside... and did it ever occur to you can't read me as well as you all thought you could? It surprises people when we play card games like Bullshit, because I always win. If you act like you wear your emotions on your sleeve, people will severely underestimate you, always. If you act like you can't lie or get away with anything, people won't realize that you are a better liar than anyone and have always been this way. If you act simple and confused, people won't realize you are complex and extremely manipulative. And the private me is really no one's business, I don't think it's necessary for me to inflict that person onto others. I could be the "real me" and be "real" all the time, but the real me wouldn't make any friends or have any fun. The real me would just collect people and use them until I'm tired of them and then throw them away without looking back. Then there is that part of me that just wants to make people happy. Not because I want people's lives to get better, but because I want to make people's lives better. I want to die sometimes. I can't figure out why I ended up like this. I can't figure out why I feel so isolated from literally everyone else in the world besides my brother. I can't figure out how my life has turned to this. Then, I think back on my life and realize it's always been like this. But what is "this"?? What the fuck?